Have you ever paused to consider how you digest emotional information? From the moment we are born, we are fed a steady diet of beliefs, rules and ‘truths’ about how the world works. Much of this information is offered by well-meaning adults, teachers, or wider systems who have themselves never questioned what they have absorbed. Without the skills to sift or question, we simply take it all in and accept what is said as ‘truth,’ absorbing emotional information without power of discernment or engagement.
In Gestalt psychology, this unconscious process is known as ‘swallowing whole’. Taking in information without filtering, questioning and/or separating what is truly ours to digest. And what happens is that ‘Swallowing Whole’ becomes our norm.
We learn to absorb instructions about who we should be, how we should behave and what is acceptable. And because we do not know there is another way, this unfiltered digestion becomes a habit that carries into adulthood. But what if there was a different way to process the emotional information that comes our way? What if we could choose what to take in – and what to leave outside our emotional system?
You are not what others throw at you. Learn how to protect, nourish and update your inner world with intention.
Table of Contents
How to Recognise When You Are Absorbing Emotional Information Without Questioning
Before we can change a pattern, we first need to see it. Many of us continue to absorb emotional information automatically without even realising it. It happens quietly, in our reactions, our habits and the way we automatically trust certain voices over our own inner knowing. I cannot tell you how many times I would ‘know’ something but then dismiss it.
To support you as you start recognising your own patterns, think about these questions and consider whether you recognise them as being true for you:
- Do you quickly believe others’ opinions about you without question?
- Do you feel ‘guilty’ or ‘wrong’ for having a different perspective?
- Do you find yourself repeating old behaviours without knowing why?
- Do you accept criticism or praise with the same intensity, unable to discern its relevance?
- Do you seek validation before trusting your own instincts?
These small signals point to a deeper dynamic: an automatic process of absorbing emotional information without filtration. If some of these questions resonate with you, know that you are not alone. Most of us were never taught how to process emotional data – healthily. The good news is, this is a skill you can learn. And you have already taken the first step, by becoming aware.
Awareness is the foundation. But awareness alone is not enough. Once you begin to notice how much emotional information you have been absorbing without question, the next step is to build protection. To create space between yourself and whatever comes your way.
Building Your Inner Moat
Once you begin to notice how much you are absorbing without question, you will likely feel the need for some sort of boundary. A space between you and the emotional material that comes your way.
This has often arisen through my work with clients over the past 40 years. A way of exploring this is to use a simple, but powerful, metaphor. Imagine yourself as a strong, beautiful building, your true self, surrounded by a wide, protective moat. Life and people will inevitably throw arrows at you: opinions, expectations, assumptions, demands, projections, bias, disappointments. Some individuals will be well-meaning, others less so. However, the goal is for the moat to catch all arrows rather than you catch them or even take them as being yours.
Here is an approach to any arrow that is directed towards you:
- First – all arrows are to land harmlessly in the water.
- When it is in the water, start to consider, ‘Will I pick it up and examine it?’
- Then consider further, ‘Will I choose to allow it onto the shore?’
- Or ‘Will I leave it on the shore?’ Recognising that it does not belong to you.
- Or consider ‘Will I leave it floating in the water?’
See the level of choice we can build. And remember, this is a skill, not an automatic process.
I like this image because it invites you to step into empowered agency of your internal world rather than passive consumption. But there are other ways of seeing how we can filter anything that is directed towards us – the moat is a metaphor I use – but what image or metaphor feels right for you? Finding your own symbol of protection can make this process even more personal and powerful.
Now it is time to strengthen this empowered agency. We need to learn how to stop absorbing emotional information without questioning its legitimacy.
Five Steps to Stop Absorbing Emotional Information Without Question
When you are ready to interrupt the pattern of automatic absorption, these five steps will support you in building different choices:
- Pause Before Absorbing: When you receive feedback, criticism, or even praise, pause. Notice your instinctive reaction before accepting it.
- Ask ‘Is This Mine?’: Gently question whether the information belongs to you or if it is someone else’s projection, truth and/or story.
- Feel It in Your Body: Our bodies often know before our minds do. Tune into your physical sensations. Is there a tightening in your body? This often signals that something does not belong to you or there is tension that wants attention.
- Name the Source: Reflect on who is offering this information. Is it someone whose perspective you respect, or someone repeating old patterns of their own?
- Consciously Choose: Decide intentionally whether you want to accept, question, or discard the information. And if you choose to discard it, trust your gut instinct. There is a reason why it does not belong to you.
This will generate healthy gut emotional-biome!
Building the Muscle of Discernment
However, simply stopping automatic absorption is not enough. Once you have created some space between yourself and the emotional information coming your way, you need to build a new muscle, the muscle of discernment. Without discernment, you may find yourself caught in endless questioning, unable to trust yourself or others. Discernment allows you to filter, select and decide what you let into your system.
Here are five ways to begin strengthening this vital muscle:
- Practice Daily Discernment: Start with small things. Choose consciously what advice you accept, what media you consume and whose opinions you allow to shape you.
- Strengthen Your Core Values: Spend time clarifying what you believe and value. When you know what you stand for, it becomes much easier to filter incoming information.
- Expect a Learning Curve: At first, this will feel unfamiliar and perhaps uncomfortable. Like any muscle, discernment strengthens with consistent use.
- Use the Moat Metaphor: Regularly visualise your moat. Notice which arrows you allow in and which you leave floating in the water (or whatever metaphor you use that truly connects for you).
- Celebrate Small Wins: Every time you consciously choose what to digest, take a moment to acknowledge your progress. Over time, these small moments build extraordinary change.
Believe me, these small steps will ultimately make a huge difference. Greater freedom to ‘be’ who you are, with whoever you are with. A phrase I often use: ‘Take your weather with you’. Be in control of how you ‘show up’ with others and avoid letting others influence or impact your emotional wellbeing. This is one of the building blocks to truly do that and I would want this for you in every aspect of your life.
As you further develop your discernment, a new question emerges: what do you do with the information you do choose to digest?
Updating Your System: A Necessary Step
Selecting information is powerful, but true transformation comes when you update the deeper systems inside you. Drawing on Internal Family Systems (IFS) theory and systemic coaching approaches, we understand that many of our current patterns were formed at a much younger age. We may find ourselves reacting as we did when we were six, fourteen, or twenty-one because parts of us have not updated to reflect who we are now.
Updating your human system means recognising these younger parts and offering them a new, current narrative. Here are five steps to support this updating process:
- Recognise Old Parts: Notice when you are reacting from a younger place, a people-pleasing child, a defensive teenager, a fearful young adult, to mention a few, but there are many other parts that will have their own expression or voice.
- Offer Compassion: Meet these parts with kindness. They have developed to protect and manage you in the past and deserve respect, even if they no longer serve you now.
- Stay in the Present: Anchor yourself in your adult self. Breathe. Remind yourself that you have more resources and choices now.
- Update the Story: Where old narratives no longer fit, consciously rewrite them. For example, ‘I must please everyone to stay safe’ can become ‘I can respectfully honour myself and others.’ This is an important step. Make sure you are writing something that resonates, rather than something purely aspirational.
- Seek Support: Deep updates are rarely easy to navigate alone. Skilled coaches and therapists can offer invaluable support as you move through this process.
By doing this work, you align your internal operating system with the reality of who you are today, not who you had to be yesterday.
Conclusion: Reclaiming Your Digestive Power
- You do not have to continue absorbing emotional information without question.
- You do not have to accept every arrow hurled in your direction.
By learning to discern, digest and update, you reclaim one of your most powerful human rights: the right to choose what you let into your system and what you leave outside. You also give yourself the chance to evolve, to grow beyond old patterns and to become the truest version of yourself.
At Sandown Business School, we are passionate about supporting individuals and organisations to build these skills in real, lasting ways. If this article resonates with you, if you are ready to take back your own digestive power, we would love to hear from you.
The Power of Discernment
There was a time you swallowed it all,
Every word, every glance, every call.
Truths untested, carried as yours,
Heavy with stories that were never your cause.
But awareness stirred, a quiet flame,
A soft remembering of your name.
Not all that is offered is meant to stay,
Some things are lighter when left on the way
You build your moat, your sacred ground,
Where only what nourishes is truly allowed.
You listen within, you soften, you see,
Not every voice deserves entry.
Discernment, a practice, a steady art,
Choosing what strengthens your soul and heart.
You are the keeper, awake and wise,
Living now by your own clear skies.
Pheona Croom-Johnson
Co-Founder and Academic Director of Sandown Business School. She has been in the OD field for over 35 years, partnering with Coaches, C-Suite and Senior Leaders.
Pheona is a triple credentialed Master Coach (ICF, EMCC, AC), Master NLP Trainer, Team Coach Supervisor (ACTC, ICF) and credentialed Supervisor (ESIA, EMCC), IFS Trained therapist (Level 1) with psychological foundations and training (BPS). She has an MA in Psychological Coaching and an MSc in Psychology of Change Agency.
Get in touch to find out more about coaching, leadership and/or supervision.
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